Winners and Losers
by Silver Despair
Summary: Severus is relieved to escape his home and come to Hogwarts, but this feeling is quickly forgotten as he realizes that the torment does not end at school. Follows him through school and into adult life. Will be slash. SSRL
1. The Crossroad Decisions

**A/N:** New story! Er, yay? I know I've been fairly dormant, but I'm back! Hopefully, my writing skills have improved. I've been practicing with original fiction.

Anyway, this story basically follows Severus Snape through his childhood in Hogwarts up to adulthood. I'm sure there will be slews of his life missing, but this isn't a biography, just a story.

**WARNING:** This story will be slash. Repeat. Slash. And maybe some angst. Yes, definitely angst.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Harry Potter. In fact, I haven't even read all the books... . I've read most, though, and quite a bit of fan fiction. ; Harry Potter, and any of the creations within, does not belong to me. I'll prolly forget to include the disclaimer in later chapters, so this will have to do for the whole story. So nyah. :P

**Chapter 1**

The Crossroad Decisions

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There's a light and a dark side,

Standing at the crossroads,

There we'll meet,

There's prophets and fools there,

The lies and the truth will be at our feet,

I got a reason to turn my head and look the other way,

It's heaven and hell here,

Which one will I live today?

--Social Distortion "Winners and Losers"

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"Remember what I've told you, Severus?"

"Yes, Father," he nodded, stringy black hair falling over fathomless dark eyes.

"Don't embarrass our name, Severus," his father's identical black eyes flashed threateningly. "Or you will regret it."

"Yes, Father," he responded, knowing that any other response could be an unintentional provocation.

"Go now, Severus."

With that, his father swung around and walked away. Severus didn't dare disobey his last order and watch, instead turning to stare around. People milled about everywhere, talking to friends they hadn't seen since school let out or bidding fond farewells to family. He got the sudden, undeniable feeling that he didn't belong at the station, in the crowd, anywhere near Hogwarts or anything to do with it.

Foolish, as he didn't belong anywhere, and here was undoubtedly better than _there_. Sighing, he hefted the large black trunk at his feet up and struggled towards the door of the train. His father hadn't bothered to make it any easier to carry his luggage, and Severus regretted that now. He was short and twiggy, and the trunk was almost as big as him. Both his mother and father were fairly tall people, and so he had hope that maybe, someday, he would at least gain in height.

Severus caught a familiar grey eye in the crowd, framed by almost-silver hair. Lucius Malfoy. He had forgotten that Lucius would be a Second Year Slytherin at Hogwarts. The Malfoys and Snapes were close family friends. Lucius, being a year older and talented in so many ways, was someone that Severus strove to be like. Sometimes, though, he couldn't push back a frightened, eerie feeling when he was around the older boy.

Severus shook those thoughts away as someone jostled him from behind. He turned round with a glare and came face to face with an entirely different pair of grey eyes, these framed by black. The boy was several inches taller than Severus and, despite also being skinny, was obviously stronger.

"Are you going to stand here all day?" the boy asked sharply.

Severus clenched his jaw and made his way up into the train. The slithering words to various curses and hexes flashed through his mind. Still, he held his tongue. It was not a bright idea to get in a fight the first day of school.

He made his way through the train, his trunk seeming to catch on every edge, every corner, slowing him down when all he wanted was to find a warm, safe compartment. Students grumbled about the sluggish pace, but he ignored them as best he could. Door after door swished by, each filled with cheery faces and laughing voices. Finally, at the very end of the train, after everyone had fallen out from the line of people searching for a seat, he found an empty compartment.

It wasn't very big, and the seats were worn and dirty, but it was more than enough for Severus. He shoved his trunk out of the way and sat down with a sigh. The shouts and laughter in the train were but a distant memory, dulled by location and a thick, scratched brown door. He let his eyes fall shut and slumped down.

His relaxation didn't last long. From just outside the compartment came a loud, familiar voice.

"I can't believe they kicked us out," the voice complained. "We were there first."

"They're girls," another voice joined in. "What did you expect?"

Severus stared resolutely at the seat in front of him as the door creaked open. He wouldn't give the person his eyes. In the corner of his vision he saw a head poke in, black hair and grey eyes. It drew right back out again. The door closed.

"What is it, Sirius?" the second voice asked.

"Nothing," Sirius, the jerk from the train entrance, said. "That compartment's full. Let's find another."

"It can't be full," the voice protested. "There's no other seats anywhere."

"James..."

The door creaked open again. In came black hair and brown eyes. Severus let his eyes wander a bit to his right to see the new boy better, but didn't let his head move. The new boy, James he had been called, grinned and entered, looking over his shoulder.

"Come on in, Sirius, Remus," he said, throwing a trunk in the middle of the floor and sitting. "There's only one person in here."

A meek-looking boy, most likely Remus, with sporadic brown hair and nervous brown eyes entered, followed by a reluctant Sirius. They piled their luggage with James' and settled down. Sirius fairly draped himself over his seat, looking like a sleek black cat. The train started smoothly forward.

The boy called James faced Severus curiously. "Are you a First Year, too?"

Severus nodded curtly. The boy had said 'too'. He assumed that meant they were First Years, as well. Hopefully they wouldn't end up in the same house. It wasn't likely they would, as they didn't seem Slytherin material. The idea that he himself might not be Slytherin was a chilling thought. It wasn't possible. If I he was anything but Slytherin, his father...

Severus shook the thoughts from his head. The boy had asked him a question, but he hadn't heard it. The other boy, the one he had met before, Sirius, was glaring at him.

"James asked you a question," Sirius snapped. "Answer it."

Indignation rose inside him, and he was helpless to stop the words that flew from his mouth.

"I don't have to listen to you."

"Fucking hell you don't!" Sirius jerked himself up from the seat, looking more like a savage dog than sleek cat. "Who do you think you are, acting like you're better than us?"

Severus narrowed his eyes. Before he could deign them with an answer, the angry boy was upon him, arms swinging. He was knocked down from his seat onto the floor. A sharp knuckle collided with his cheek. James' voice was egging Sirius on. Another voice, this one quieter, protested.

Severus managed to throw the boy off himself and yanked his wand from his robes. Sirius was advancing on him again, looking even angrier. He didn't seem to notice the wand in Severus' hand.

"I dare you to try that again," Sirius growled.

A few scurried words later and Sirius was pasted to the wall with spider webs. He grimaced and struggled to pull an arm out, but the thick, sticky white strands held strong. Tiny black spiders were beginning to erupt from silken pouches throughout the web. James was cursing and had pulled his own wand out.

"Take it off him!" he pointed his wand threateningly at Severus' chest. "Do it, or I'll... I'll turn you into a mouse and feed you to my owl!"

Severus flicked his wand in irritation, sending James face down on the floor. It was a neat little trick he had learned from a few of the older boys that came to visit the Snape home. It felt good to finally be on the other side of the hex.

The baby spiders were crowding onto Sirius' body, their tiny mandibles thirsting for a taste. Even more were stealing up the web to join their brothers and sisters. Sirius was straining against the web, panicked. Still, Severus wasn't worried. The spiders wouldn't do any damage, just prick at him, leaving only a strange tingling, no marks. He had had the curse done to him enough to know this.

Severus froze as he felt something sharp press into his back. Memories came rushing into his mind. Silver glinting in moonlight. Masks all around him. Slouching forms poking him, prodding him like some beast. The masks were closing in, closer and closer, hideous green, red, yellow faces. He couldn't breathe.

"Severus." A cold voice cut through the masks.

Severus was jerked from his memories with a shiver. Somehow, he had ended up on his knees, the train floor shaking beneath him. It suddenly felt like a very precariously balanced train, as if it might fall at any moment. He looked slowly up to meet sharp grey eyes framed by silvery hair.

"Lucius." Severus grimaced at the hoarse sound of his voice.

Out of the corner of his eye, Severus could see Remus standing half-behind him. His wand was held limply in hand. So that was the sharp thing poking his back. No doubt Remus had been about to demand he release James and Sirius.

"I think it unwise to be practicing such curses here, Severus," Nevertheless, Lucius' voice was faintly amused. "You'd have a hard time explaining the origin of them, I think. Surely you know that these aren't the most... Popular pranks?" A narrow of the eyes here. "I don't think your father would be pleased to hear from the Headmaster so soon.

"Of course, Lucius," Severus nodded once.

Lucius muttered a few words, waved his wand, and Sirius fell to the floor. The boy was rubbing frantically at his arms and neck where the spiders had been munching. No marks. A moment later and James was up off the floor, nose a rosy pink where it had been held tight to the floor. The glared at Severus but otherwise did nothing.

"Come along, Severus," Lucius said. "You'll sit with us today, as you assuredly will tomorrow and the rest of the year."

Severus followed obediently behind Lucius. When they had traveled a satisfactory distance away from the back of the train, Lucius stopped and turned to Severus. The older boy's eyes blazed like iron thrown into a fire. His mouth was set in a firm line.

"You will learn to exercise some restraint, Severus," he finally said. "The spiders are a Dark Curse. A weak, childish one, but Dark nonetheless. Hope that no one gets hold of what happened."

Severus nodded weakly, his tongue thick and heavy in his mouth. Lucius was so angry, and very frightening. He hated being on the wrong side of that anger, hated that the beautiful boy was scolding him. At that moment, he would have done anything to win the older boy back, away from the anger.

They set off down the train again. A few more doors and Lucius led Severus into a compartment where many Second Year Slytherins sat lounging around. They looked up as Severus and Lucius entered. Curiously, the looked to the silver-haired boy. The Malfoys were a very, very powerful family, and often even older Slytherins looked up to Lucius.

"Severus will be riding with us today. He's going to be in Slytherin this year."

Lucius jostled Severus into a seat between two boys then sat in a sit himself. Conversation immediately struck up, with Lucius in the center and Severus not in it at all. Very soon, he found his eyelids falling. His father had kept him up late last night, lecturing about behavior and the consequences to one's health and happiness if one shamed the family name. As a result, there hadn't been much sleep last night.

Slowly, the train rocking beneath his weary body, Severus fell asleep.

He woke to Lucius' cold voice calling him awake. The world was a mass of blurry shapes for the first few minutes. People shoved by him as he made his way slowly towards the exit of the bus. Dying light streamed in from open windows, painting the inside of the train a dull pink. Severus felt in a haze, wandering through a dream with bursts of nightmare-like qualities. Sharp edges and elbows, loud voices, harsh eyes.

It wasn't long before Severus was near the back of the line to get out. His feet seemed heavy, barely able to lift from the ground. His heart was beating an uneven swing, anxiety clenched close. His feet suddenly tripped up and his body went flying. He hit hard against a student in front of him. The girl caught herself, glared, and stormed away. Severus turned to see what had caught his foot.

"Severus, is it?" Sirius' grey eyes blazed. James and Remus stood behind the angry boy.

Severus was suddenly vividly aware that they were now alone. The train was deathly silent but for the breathing of the four boys. Lucius and his band of Second Years had all gone ahead. Voices loud and cheerful filtered in through the door down the way. Too far to run. Running was cowardly anyway, and he didn't dare soil the Snape family name.

"Yes, that's right," he heard himself answer coldly. A smirk clamored to his lips. "Where have your spider friends gone?"

"You little bastard," Sirius growled, starting forward. "You'll pay for that!"

Before Sirius could do anything, however, a teacher stepped onto the bus. He was tall with short, dark brown hair and gleaming yellow-green eyes. He frowned, looking between the four boys. Severus was sure they looked suspicious.

"I suggest you boys catch up with the others before you're left behind."

"Yes, sir." Sirius muttered.

Severus grasped the opportunity and left as quickly as he could. His long steps soon brought him even with the rest of the students, their chattering harsh to his ears.

Maybe he really would have been better off, safer, at home.

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**A/N: **Well, that's it for now. What do you think? Please review!


	2. Painful Motivation

**A/N:** New chapter! I want to start working on my other story again. Also, I might revise Nobody Knows Which Exit Is Yours, because... It sucks. Not so much the first chapters, I guess, but I got hurried the further in I got. Parts are pretty cheesy, unbelievable, and includes so many things that I myself refuse to read.... I cringe at the thought of that story. It's the first story I've ever finished though, so I can't abandon it.

I'll do my best not to rush myself with this story, and to finish it as well. Also, the chapter titles go along well with the chapters, as do the lyrics at the start (and sometimes end) of the chapter. I get inspiration from songs, and often I use them as guidelines. Check out the bands, they're great.

**WARNING:** This story will be slash. Repeat. Slash. And maybe some angst. Yes, definitely angst.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Harry Potter. In fact, I haven't even read all the books... . I've read most, though, and quite a bit of fan fiction. ; Harry Potter, and any of the creations within, does not belong to me. I'll prolly forget to include the disclaimer in later chapters, so this will have to do for the whole story. So nyah. :P

Thanks to all my reviewers! Some responses at the end of this chapter.

**_ATTENTION_**: I am currently looking for a beta reader for this fic. I looked over Chapter 1 and saw things I had missed before updating. If anyone is interested or knows anyone who might be interested in beta'ing this or any of my other fics, say so in a review or email me. (Email provided in my profile.) I'll want maybe a short work that you've written to view style and skill.

**Chapter 2**

Painful Motivation

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I try to find some peace of mind,  
When my life's treating me unkind, yeah,  
Pain will be my motivation,  
I'm going use my imagination,  
Yeah, I'm gonna live before I die.  
-Social Distortion "Live Before You Die"

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Severus, arms full of books, papers, and quills, strode down the hallways of Hogwarts towards the open door. Outside, the sun was shining bright and warm. Normally, he preferred to stay in the dungeons, the Slytherin common room, or the room he shared with a few other boys. A true born Slytherin, yearning for power, darkness, anonymity. It came as no surprise, no surprise at all, when he was sorted into the serpentine house at the beginning of the year. Today, however, the dark was oppressive, suffocating, and he couldn't bring himself to stay.

The sun beat down harshly against his black robes, black eyes, black hair. Everything was so black, he almost felt as if he was an aura of darkness, a blot in the sun's radiance. His skin, however, was almost sickeningly pale. His cheeks were sunken in, his arms, wrists, legs, ribs, every bone protruded a bit too much from the skin. He knew what the other kids said about him. He could hear their whispers, their mocking, their laughter. It wasn't as if they took pains to hide it.

Harsh eyes slicing through him as he walked through the halls."_He's like a walking skeleton."_

A group of giggling girls surrounding another, horrified girl."_I can't go near him! He's so creepy. Give me a different dare." _The girls completely understand their friend, and give her a new dare. They don't wish to be cruel, after all.

Dark looks cast his way, narrowed eyes, murmurs in the classroom, in the Great Hall, in his mind."_He looks like a perfect Death Eater. He looks like actual death, a skeleton."_

A girl wrinkles her nose, throwing him a look from the corner of her eyes as she talks to a friend."_I hear his hair's so stringy because he's a zombie, and it's all falling out."_

Cruel eyes pinched into crueler grins, teeth flashing ivory as they speaks."_Didn't you know? He's some kind of dead birdman. Can't you tell by his beaked nose and beady little eyes? And look at his hair! Greasy and stringy, just like a vermin crow feather."_

No, he definitely didn't fail to hear the talk. Sometimes, he wished he did. Mostly, though, he wished he could get revenge. So many curses at the tip of his tongue, tingling in his fingers, materializing before his eyes only to disappear with the realization that they weren't really there. Sometimes, at night, he could see classmates bowing before him, admitting his superiority, admitting that it was they who were ugly, they who were dark and gaunt and didn't fit in. Men and women alike begged to court him, threw themselves at his feet. But he always awoke to the sharp realization that none of it was true, that he was the misfit, that he was the underling.

Today, however, there were no whispers or stories at his expense. Indeed, no one noticed him at all. It wasn't surprising, as he rarely came outside, especially on such a sunny, warm day. No one saw the sweeping black robes pass by, the dark hair oddly still despite his determined steps, the black eyes set on one spot and one spot only, refusing to move an inch.

No one except the four people he wanted most to be invisible from. Just as he was near, so near, the large, shady tree, the fallen leaves to close he could almost touch them, someone stepped in his path. For long moments he refused to look up, staring steadfastly at the chest in front of his face. He was amply aware of his short stature, but remained coldly distant, constantly uncaring.

Finally, with measured distaste, he let his eyes trail up a puffed out chest, a long, strained neck, to unwelcome grey eyes. Sirius Black. A sneering, fiery Sirius Black. Behind him, also glaring, was James Potter and, behind him, Peter Pettigrew. A quick glance revealed Remus Lupin sitting under a nearby tree, doing his best not to notice what his friends were doing.

There had been a steadily growing dislike between all the boys. In the beginning, their meetings most often ended with hexes and curses being thrown, but they quickly realized that Severus was at an advantage in that. Instead, now, the four Gryffindors tended to use physical force.

"Look, the greasy git has finally left his dungeons," Sirius sneered. "Come to see the circus?" A reference to the small circus that was going to be held that night. "Didn't you know? You're the main act of the freak show."

"And you're the sideshow," Severus hissed. "But at least I'm interesting enough to be seen for more than a split seconds."

Severus was thrown sharply backwards as a fist impacted with his jaw. It would bruise, he knew from experience, but that didn't matter at the moment. All that mattered was revenge. He pulled his wand out, but Black was already there, and he was forced to grapple with his thin hands over the wand. Then the wand was flying through the air, somersaulting, doing back flips, sidekicks, the breaststroke!

Severus stared despondently as his wand landed somewhere amidst the thorns of a bush that was so close yet so far away. They were on him like a pack of starving wolves. Fists gripped his robes, slammed against his body as they pulled and shoved him up, to his knees, to his feet. Oddly disconnected from reality suddenly. The world was a shimmering mirage, threatening to cave in at any moment. This mirage, however, was a nightmare image. Grotesque creatures in every direction, laughter, anger, sharp edges and points. And then the masks were there again, this time the green and red and yellows mixed with black masks, wands pointed his way, wands poking his sides. Flashes of green and then all was black.

When Severus opened his eyes, he was standing exactly where he last remembered. He could vaguely hear people screaming in the back of his mind. Just in front of him, Sirius and James were standing, eyes opened wide with shock. Peter was nowhere to be seen, and Remus stood, alarmed, beside the tree he had been sitting under previously.

The air around Severus was strangely hot, so hot he could feel his skin tightening. The world was cast in an orange glow, except one place. He stared at that one place, realizing suddenly what had happened, why everyone was so terrified, why everything was so hot, so orange. Severus looked straight up from the humongous shadow into piercing red eyes.

There, hovering so close it could almost scorch his hair, was a gigantic, fiery beast. At the moment it was just a ball of flames, searching for something to be. As soon as it caught Severus' eye, it transformed into a gargantuan dragon. Severus watched, shocked and amazed, as the dragon took off through the air. It swooped dramatically around, sparks showering out behind it.

Severus continued watching as the grasses around him caught fire. He had summoned this powerful demon, he knew, for the first successful time in his life. This demon that started chaos in the form of sparks with each twist, this demon whose breath was a shimmer of heat and smoke. The dragon tail lashed out at a nearby tree, slicing through it and setting the remaining pieces on fire. It all seemed so unreal.

Severus didn't notice as the three boys, three of his four worst enemies, struggled to find a path through the flames. He didn't notice as the flames licked his skin, burnt his hair, stung his eyes. The air was filled with the crackling of flames, with smoke and the shine of heat. He saw the world through that shine, heard his thoughts through that shine. Everything was distorted, magnified, vivid.

The dragon turned back to Severus, gave a great roar, then shot up into the sky. He held his breath, watching the clouds anxiously, but he knew the beast was gone. It had defended and fought for its master as it must, and it's job was finished. The fires, however, were still burning. Everywhere there were flames. Everywhere except a foot all around Severus. Elsewhere, people were screaming spells to break the flames down.

Severus turned slowly, in a daze, as a cold hand grasped hold of his arm. He vaguely made out the brown hair and eyes of Remus Lupin, but his mind and sight were still covered by a thick film of shimmering heat. The world was tilting this way and that, threatening to buck him off. He curled his toes into his shoes, grounding himself easily. The other boy, slightly taller than himself, held on tight to his arm and leaned close, so close his lips, so soft, brushed against Severus' ear.

"Hurry, run," Lupin urged. "Before the flames cover the last paths. There's still a few going to Hogwarts, but they're disappearing quickly. Hurry!"

Lupin tugged Severus arm, and it proved the action to break the spell. Severus stood stock still a moment, staring wide-eyed at the flames on his every side. His fear broke the spell of protection and the flames were able to travel closer to the two boys. With another insistent tug by the arm, they were off, leaping over short, weak flames, dodging sudden licks of heat.

Severus pulled away from Lupin suddenly as they reached a halfway point between their original spot and the safety of Hogwarts. His notebook. He had left his notebook lying on the ground. Without a backward glance, Severus tore away and took off, back into the heart of the fires. He heard a shout behind him but paid it no heed. Fire tore at his flesh, he could smell the acrid smell of burnt hair, but he didn't care.

Finally, after an eternity, Severus saw his notebook. It was lying on top of the many things he had been carrying earlier, and the flames, a scorching ring around the items, was drawing slowly in. He pulled in a deep breath and threw himself through the barrier of fire, felt the heat biting his skin, heard it roaring in his eyes, and then he was through. He picked his notebook up and was about to leave before realizing the little book was strangely light.

Severus opened the front cover and fell into a shocked stillness. Ashes, light and fluffy, drifted out and onto the open air before falling from lack of anything to float on. The pages had burnt up. The cover, a tough black plastic, was fine though a bit malleable, and he cursed himself for thinking the crisp paper would be able to survive the fire. Now it was ruined, gone, just like that.

"Severus!"

Severus looked up from the empty shell of a notebook in his hands as someone touched his shoulder. Remus Lupin again. He wondered vaguely why the boy had come after him, had followed. True, Lupin had never been violent or ridiculing like his friends, but he had never been nice, either.

"What are you doing?" Severus narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"I'm trying to save your life," Lupin said, sighing and tugging on his arm. "Come on, we have to get out of here."

"Why are you trying to save me?" Severus stood stubbornly still.

"Can't we talk about this later?" Lupin glanced nervously around, keeping as far from the heat of the flames as possible.

"No."

What did Severus care if he and Lupin got burned to a crisp? He certainly didn't enjoy life here and neither, he realized, did Lupin. It was best to burn up rather than suffer being set up by the four boys. Lupin didn't exactly strike him as the type to help with something like that, but he did hang out with Black and Potter, didn't he?

"Tell me why you want to help me."

Lupin sighed and looked despairingly around. Much longer and the flames would be chewing at their toes. Severus agreed with Lupin's expression, that it didn't sound like a very comfortable experience, but this was more important. Wasn't it? Of course it was. It had to be.

Lupin mumbled something under his breath, staring at the toes of his shoes where Severus was sure the fire would be soon. The air around them seemed to be getting strangely thin and yet think. It was a bit difficult to breathe, and smoke was infiltrating their lungs. Somehow, both boys had managed to keep from coughing so far.

"What was that, Lupin?"

"I said," the boy looked up, brown hair falling over his right eye. "That I don't know why I want to help you."

"I don't need your pity," Severus snarled, turning to look at the approaching fire. So close.

"Pity?" Lupin sounded puzzled and, indeed, when Severus turned around he looked as he sounded. "I never said anything-"

"You don't have to say it," Severus snapped impatiently. "It's obvious."

"But I don't pity you," he scowled at Severus' snort. "I don't need to pity you, because I know that you can take care of yourself. I just don't want you to get burned alive. Did you ever think that maybe I was just trying to be nice to you? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I didn't want to see you, or anyone else, be burned alive? Either way, you're coming out of here with me. Willing or not."

Severus studied Lupin a moment, his eyes scanning a delicate jaw, full lips with a glint of ivory white behind them, high cheekbones, strangely attractive tufts of hair just above curving ears, long eyelashes, and, finally, soft brown eyes. He scowled and looked around. The fire was less than a foot away now, and the air was becomnig unbearbly smoky. He was surprised Lupin had allowed the conversation to last so long. And why hadn't anyone come to get them yet? He coughed harshly, unable to stop it and immediately feeling a bit self-conscious.

"Really, now Lupin, this isn't the time nor the place to be discussing such things," Severus said, watching Lupin's expression avidly. "I don't know why you insisted we be here for it. I suggest we get out of here before we suffocate or become the dust in the air that suffocates."

Severus struggled to keep from grinning as Lupin's jaw dropped. He raised an eyebrow teasingly, his lips twitching the slightest bit when Lupin broke into an exultant grin. He followed placidly behind the lithe body before him. The flames were hot, but he didn't even notice. Was this what it was like to have a friend?

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A/N: There it is! I've finally finished, and hopefully everyone will enjoy it. Let's see if I still have time to upload it!

**deathdeath:** I believe I've read all but one, maybe two, of the books... I recently read the first and second, but the third one is proving hard to get from a library... Thanks for the review!

**hipa:** Thanks! I wanted to start the story out strongly, and it seems as if I did just that.

**tall oaks:** Yeah, I'm not really sure about the ages of everyone in the books.. But having Lucius a year older is convenient. He's old enough to look up to, but not so much older that there's nothing in common between the two. Thanks for the great review.

**shewhodares:** Thanks for the review! I happen to like SS/RL very much. Hopefully this wasn't updated too late!

REVIEW PLEASE.


	3. Nightmare Memories

**A/N:** New chapter yay! I still haven't started working on my story, or revising Nobody Knows..., but I did start a new story on FictionPress... Eh heh. Anyway. School days will probably be gone through fairly quickly until fifth year. I'm not saying that fifth year will be covered completely, but probably more so than any other year.

**WARNING:** This story will be slash. Repeat. Slash. And maybe some angst. Yes, definitely angst.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Harry Potter. In fact, I haven't even read all the books... . I've read most, though, and quite a bit of fan fiction. ; Harry Potter, and any of the creations within, does not belong to me.

Thanks to all my reviewers! Some responses at the end of this chapter.

**_ATTENTION_**: I am currently looking for a beta reader for this fic. If anyone is interested or knows anyone who might be interested in beta'ing this or any of my other fics, say so in a review or email me. (Email provided in my profile.) I'll want maybe a short work that you've written to view style and skill.

* * *

Run run run,  
Why don't you walk away?  
Abusive husbands,  
A childhood lost, betrayed.  
- Ignite "Run"

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**Chapter 3  
**_Nightmare Memories  
_

Severus sat in the inky blackness of his room, the bed beneath him creaking slightly as he shifted. The complete silence around him was worrisome. His father had finally stopped yelling, but that wasn't what made him nervous. No, it was his mother's silence. She wasn't crying anymore. Silence.

He cradled his arm close to his body. He had left his wand on the dining room table during his mad dash up the stairs to his room. His father would have caught him if his mother hadn't gotten in the way, if she hadn't tried to protect him. He wished she hadn't. She got enough of it while he was gone, safely filed away at school.

Of course, he had to ruin that and cause more trouble for his mother. Luckily, they hadn't been able to prove that he had been the one to set the school grounds on fire, or, rather, Dumbledore hadn't pursued the subject. He got the feeling that the Headmaster knew exactly what had happened. But that couldn't be possible. Could it?

Either way, he was stuck back at home. He had only been suspended the rest of the school year, which was only two weeks, for "dawdling" in the fire and thus endangering a fellow student. He had had to take the end of the year tests, all in one day, but that hadn't been bad, exhausting as it was. What had been bad was his reaction to the news that his father would be notified.

Severus buried his head in his hands as he remembered the desperate tears that had run down his face. He had lost control completely, knowing the punishment he would get for his actions, the punishment his mother would get for bearing a worthless child. He had begged Dumbledore not to tell his father.

Severus jumped up and huddled on the floor against the far wall as his door suddenly slammed inwards. Not a good sign, considering the door opened out, into the hall. There, silhouetted in the doorway, was his father, wand pointed forward. The silence crackled with nervous energy. He shook as his father strode forward and took his hair in a tight grip, then wrenched him up from the ground. His roots stung, but he resisted the urge to cry out.

"What do you have to say for yourself, worthless child?" his father hissed, face twisted in rage.

"I'm sorry, Father," Severus managed to choke out. "I didn't mean to get you in trouble. I just wanted to get rid of-" He stiffened, realizing his father would not take well to the idea of his worthless son being bullied, of his son being so weak.

"Yes?" his father's eyes glittered cruelly.

"I just-" he swallowed nervously and bowed his head. "I was just angry, Father."

The hand in his hair clenched tighter. "I thought I taught you to use some restraint, whelp."

"I'm sorry, Father," Severus whispered, wishing he knew something to say, something to appease his father. "But... I finally summoned Cineus." He pleaded desperately.

"Yes, that you did," his father's voice was cold. "That small achievement is the only reason I'm letting you live."

Severus didn't doubt his father's words. Later, as he shivered miserably in a corner of his room, bleeding onto the hardwood floors, he wished he hadn't been able to summon Cineus, after all.

He saw the green, yellow, and red masks dancing around him. Eyes glimmered coldly in the rough sockets. Taunts and insults fell from their lips like hot oil. And there were the masks, the white masks and black cloaks, whispering promises inaudibly.

* * *

Severus cried out as a powerful hex thrust him hard against the wall, knocking the air from his lungs. He struggled to draw in a breath, ignoring the pain in his ribs, his back, his legs, his _whole body_. He could feel new bruises forming on his pale skin. 

"Not fast enough," his father barked. "If you're ever going to be anything other than a pathetic weakling, you need to learn to defend yourself. More than that, you need to learn to fight back. Efficiently, Severus, not excessively."

"Yes, Father," Severus choked out, rising unsteadily to his feet.

These 'training sessions' had begun the day after he arrived home from his suspension at Hogwarts, his body still sore from his punishment. He hadn't ceased to hurt in at least a dozen places at once during his whole stay, and his Second Year was beginning the next day. His father was determined to make his only son worthy or kill him trying.

Severus tensed as he saw a spell shooting from his father's wand, his lips forming words before he could even think. The spell coming towards him turned with a flash and arced magnificently down, down, down to land on his father in a shower of red and black sparks. He watched, eyes wide, as his father was flung backward, hissing angrily. He was back up in a moment, eyes glittering cruelly.

"Perhaps I can make something of you yet, boy," his eyes narrowed, a smirk touching his lips as he leveled his wand. "**_Crucio!_**"

Severus clenched his teeth against the barrage of pain, his body falling to the cold floor. Already pained muscles twitched and writhed convulsively. He wasn't sure how long he was under the curse; it felt like hours, days, years, eternity, as if the scorching pain would never end. All he really knew was that his father had never drawn it out this long before.

Finally, the pain receded. A cruel, ironic laugh echoed in the room, and then all was silent. Severus stared unseeing at the dark ceiling, panting and willing himself not to cry. He choked softly and curled onto his side. A tear dripped onto the rough stone floor.

* * *

Severus sat alone in the same ragged compartment he had at the beginning of his First Year. The Hogwarts Express rocked to a start beneath his weary body. A year had gone by and yet things were very much the same as they had been. He was still tired, still hurt, still so alone. He still felt like a First Year, if not just a bit more jaded. 

"Look who we have here."

Severus' head, previously drooping, snapped up as a cool deep voice spoke. He met grey eyes. Sirius Black. He lifted his lip in a silent snarl. The other boy ignored it, strolling in and stretching languidly across three seats. Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew followed.

"So, Snape," Black said casually. "Wherever did you go last year?"

"I believe," Potter smirked after a pause of silence. "That the greasy git was suspended, Sirius."

"Suspended?" Black sat up, eyebrows raised, in mock surprise. "Why, whatever for!"

"I wonder," Potter's eyes narrowed as he continued their put-on conversation.

"Oh, wait," Sirius settled sharp eyes on him. "Maybe it was because of his attempt to murder us. Could that be it?"

"Could be," Potter glared.

"I didn't!" Severus finally snarled.

"What do you think, Peter?" Potter turned to fat little Pettigrew. "Did he try to kill us?"

"Yes!" Pettigrew nodded so fast Severus was amazed the little suck-up didn't snap his neck. "I was there. He tried to have some fireball kill us."

"Some people consider roasted rat a delicacy, Peter," Black remarked offhandedly.

The fat boy flushed. Severus wondered what the comment was supposed to mean. His thoughts didn't get far, though. Black had stood up fast, wand in hand. Severus pulled his own out but it was promptly snatched away. Potter stood triumphantly, two wands in hand.

"I'll not have you sending beastly spiders on my friends, thank you," Potter said, nodding to Black.

A moment later and Severus was strung up by thick white ropes, one on each arm, each leg. He struggled futilely, cursing himself for not having had his wand ready. He promised himself never to be caught so vulnerable again. The thought of vulnerability was wiped from his mind as he caught Lupin's brown eyes. The other boy looked away. He blinked and looked away as well, wondering why something so simple could be so painful. Surely he hadn't hoped that the other boy would be on his side, just because of a short time at the end of the year when he wasn't tormenting him?

He cringed as he realized Black had been watching. The boy was now glancing suspiciously between him and Lupin.

"Remus," Black spoke. "Remember that hex we learned? The itching one?"

"Yes," Lupin said slowly.

"Well, why don't you show Snape how it works?" Black grinned.

"Sirius," Lupin protested, trying to draw away as Black pulled him to his feet. "Isn't this enough already? We don't want to get in trouble..."

"Come on, Remus," Potter goaded. "No one'll find out. If the little greaseball tells anyone, we'll hex him into oblivion."

"Just a little itching spell," Black soothed. "No harm done. Just a little joke. Come on, now."

Severus refused to meet Lupin's eyes, instead staring resolutely down at the dirty floor. His body hurt from struggling, so he let himself fall limp. Somehow, it felt a bit like giving up. He lifted his chin and stared Lupin straight in the eye, the only bit of defiance he had left. Lupin, wand raised and wetting his lips, seemed to falter.

"Come on, Remus," Potter shouldered him playfully. "It's just Snape."

"Or is Snape more important than us now?" Black asked, voice smooth and cold. "Us, your best friends. The ones who took you in when no one else would."

"No, of course not, Sirius," Lupin's voice was weak. "I just..."

"Just do it, Remus," Sirius rolled his eyes. "No excuses. It's just a little hex."

When he had Lupin's wand pointed at him, Severus couldn't help but tense up, eyes dropping to the ground. He reminded himself forcefully that this was Lupin, not his father. He pushed back the little voice that asked which was worse. All that mattered was that this was Lupin, and Lupin would be casting a prank hex. Lupin was not his father. Lupin wouldn't hurt him.

And then the itching spell hit him. Oh, what a terrible prank.

Severus heard a silencing spell being cast on the door and Black and Potter congratulating Lupin. He barely noticed in his agony. It felt like tiny bugs were running all over his body, their feet digging into the surface of his skin. He tugged roughly at his bonds, desperate to scratch at the imagined bugs, as three voices chimed in laughter.

When the spell was finally lifted and he was let fall to the floor, Severus slumped down. His wrists were raw and throbbing from rubbing against the harsh ropes. His muscles screamed at the slightest movement. His throat was raw from frustrated screaming. His cheeks were wet, even after he rubbed at them with the sleeves of his robes.

"Hurry up now, _Snivellus_," Black laughed cruelly, a laugh so similar to his father's that Severus flinched. "Don't want to be late to school now, do you?"

With that, Black, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew made their way out of the train compartment. Potter and Black's voices, laughing and joking, slowly faded. Severus lifted himself slowly, wincing at the pain in his body. His wand, lying discarded on one of the torn up seats, was thrust into a pocket before he strode out of the compartment, refusing to show the pain in his body. He refused to let himself be humiliated again.

So this was life, he told himself. The strong hang up and the weak and pick at them, steal away much needed strength to add it to their collection of pride. But what happens when there is nothing left to pick at, to steal away? Severus lifted his chin, vowing that he'd die before he let them win.

* * *

Run run run,  
The old man's drunk again,  
From the hand that feeds,  
Has turned into a fist,  
The nightmares are our memories,  
The broken homes and nose that bleeds,  
Afraid to stay, nowhere to turn,  
Domestic violence tragedies.  
-Ignite "Run"

* * *

**A/N:** Dahdum! So, how is it? I feel so bad for doing that to Sevvy. ;.; I'm a horrible, horrible person. 

Also, anyone interested in being a beta reader for this story or any of my others? If so, look at my author's note at the top for more information.

**Reviewer Responses**

**hipa:** Thanks! I try to start and end chapters strongly, because I believe that I tend not to. This is actually a very good practice story for me. And I'd definitely care if Sevvy died, hehe. I actually killed him off in one of my other stories, but the story wasn't really centered around him at all. Actually, that story was terrible, and I need to rework it. Ah, well. Thanks for the review!

**noone:** I definitely agree, Snape/Lupin is good. :D Thanks for the review!

**shewhodares:** I'm glad you're liking it so far. :D Yes, Severus was hoping to have found a friend. I haven't covered his past much yet, but I probably will. Let's just say he never had many that were an ally, other than Lucius, and that's going to play a role in this story. Thanks for the review!


	4. Forever

**A/N:** New chapter! Yay! Sorry this came so late, though. My internet was being screwy and stuff, so it took forever to get finished and to my wonderful, patient beta-reader. Leave thanks to her for putting up with my lateness and for helping me out so much!

**WARNING:** This story will be slash. Repeat. Slash. And maybe some angst. Yes, definitely angst.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Harry Potter. In fact, I haven't even read all the books. I've read most, though, and quite a bit of fan fiction. Harry Potter, and all creations within, does not belong to me.

Thanks to all my reviewers! Some responses at the end of this chapter.

**_Special note:_****_I don't find a simple thanks the be sufficient for the support of my readers, and so I will be writing an extra scene. It won't be necessary to understand the story. I'm thinking it will either be a scene between Sirius and Regulus or Severus and his older brother. If you would like to read it, leave me a review with your email address or AIM screenname, as those are really the only ways I can be contacted. Also, if you have any ideas for the scene I write, by all means, tell me!_**

**Tons of thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, Heather, who is helping to keep me from making a complete fool of myself! :D**

**O**

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Never take your loved ones for granted: they could be gone tomorrow.  
-Dropkick Murphys "Forever"

* * *

**Chapter 4**  
_Forever_

Second Year drifted on normally. Or, at least, as normally as life would ever be allowed when Severus was involved. He was constantly taunted, hexed, and teased. Potter and Black seemed to be around every corner, in every room, ready with insults falling from their lips, burning into him, sometimes literally.

They laughed constantly at his greasy hair, his large nose, his black eyes. Once, he scrubbed his hair until it was shiny and soft, something he had never had the energy to bother with before, something he had never before realized was so important. The next day, Potter and Black had ridiculed him endlessly. Their cruel voices had wondered aloud what girl had caught his eye to provoke such a change. They had accused countless girls of being his fancy, finally choosing a short, fat, pimply Hufflepuff girl, and going on about what a perfect couple the two would make until the girl fled, bawling.

Severus had already shut them out of his mind by then. This didn't please Potter or Black who, upon being ignored, decided to change tactics.

"Maybe we've been going about this all wrong, Sirius," Potter announced loudly. "Maybe our shiny new friend isn't interested in _girls_ at all."

Sirius, catching on, stood up from his luxurious seat on a table top. "I think you're right, James. I think Severus fancies boys. It would explain why he always seems to be right behind us. He probably fantasizes about us every night, the disgusting poof."

The day had ended with Severus lying awake in bed, eyes squeezed tightly shut, telling himself that crying was shameful. But, then, so was being gay. In the end, he allowed himself to shed silent tears. He vowed that, after tonight, he would never be shameful again. After tonight, he would not cry. After tonight, he would not be gay.

It was easier said then done. The daytime found him daydreaming about silver hair and grey eyes, strong, masculine arms encircling him, never letting go. Those cursed tears always seemed just behind his eyelids, let out only in the deep darkness of night when no one was around to see them.

Nighttime also found him thinking of an entirely different boy. He tried to pretend the brown hair and eyes belonged to no one specific.

Finally, after monotonous, seemingly endless days, it was drawing near Christmas. He would be going back to the manor, back to his weak mother, his vicious father. He hated them, both of them. They had given him his greasy hair, his black eyes, his large nose, his silent suffering. They had given him this life and then deserted him, his mother in fear and his father in anger.

"Severus," a smooth, cool voice broke through his thoughts, startling him from his glower at the table, tensing his muscles.

"Lucius," Severus relaxed slightly, then straightened up and bit his lip, hoping his hair wasn't too disorderly. "What are you doing here?"

"I just came by to say hello," Lucius smiled, his slim, pristine body setting off embarrassing thoughts in Severus' mind. "Of course, we'll be seeing each other during the holidays."

"We will?" Severus asked, a bit dazed that Lucius was so close and speaking to him. Him, of all people!

"Yes, Severus," Lucius said patiently. "Your father has invited many pureblood families over for a holiday dinner, mine included."

"Oh," he nodded slowly, vaguely recalling reading something of the sort in the single letter he had received during his stay at Hogwarts. He had read over it so quickly in his nervousness that the subject had completely slipped his mind.

"I should be going now," Lucius said, then paused , his finger moving to trace a single, deliberate cut on Severus' arm, near his hand. His voice was sharp when he finally spoke. "What is _this_, Severus?"

He winced, but didn't dare move his arm from the older boy's hand. "I don't know." He cast his eyes downward, hating to lie to this boy, his role model. "I-I must've gotten scratched while I was in the Owlery." It was a horrible lie, and he knew Lucius knew the truth, knew that the small cut was self-inflicted.

"Of course," Lucius nodded, and it was obvious he didn't believe a word of it. "Make sure you're careful next time. I know how nasty those... Owls can be. It wouldn't do to have you injured further. Understand?" Grey eyes narrowed.

"I understand," Severus nodded. "It won't happen again."

It was the truth. Satisfying as it was to see tiny dots of blood well up, the weak pain had done nothing for his inner turmoil. In fact, it had increased it as soon as he realized what he had done. Self-harm was a sign of mental instability, wasn't it? Mental instability was a weakness, it was shameful. He had thrown the knife halfway across the room where it had buried itself like a flag into his trunk. When his roommate had arrived that night, he had glanced nervously between Severus and the knife, then huddled under the covers of his bed, whispering a protection charm before falling asleep.

"Good," Lucius nodded and his finger stilled against the cut.

"Lucius," Severus began, then floundered, unsure what he wanted to say. The older Slytherin seemed to understand.

"Listen to me, Severus," Lucius' voice was quiet as he leaned closer, warm breath against his ear causing Severus to shiver. "Don't let the despicable Gryffindors beat you down. You have to be strong. You can't let them win."

Severus exhaled heavily, surprised that he had been holding his breath, as Lucius pulled away. He watched, squirming in his suddenly tight robes, as the older boy strode away. His ear still felt slightly damp where Lucius' breath had been. It tingled pleasantly, and he considered not moving, just in case that scared the feeling away.

Two days later, Severus went home. His mother, thin and waiflike in a pale blue dress, had smiled distantly as a house elf led him in. His father, he was told, was in his study writing letters to very important people, and he was not to be disturbed. He counted that as a very good thing. No doubt his father had heard many things from the snitches at school and he dreaded their next meeting.

Hungry as he was, Severus was tired even more so. He left his luggage beside the stairs, trusting the house elves to bring them up to his bedroom later. With that, he trudged up the dark marble stairs. It was dark and silent in his room, a safe haven in the midst of his own personal hell. A thin layer of dust had settled over his possessions, turning the room into a grey, ghostly sight. It rose in slight puffs as he drew a finger across his small, scratched dresser. He eyed a dent in the side, remembering the feeling of his head colliding with the wood. It seemed so long ago...

Slowly, his mind was beginning to warm up, his eyes blinking lazily. He felt as if the dust was covering him, as well, engulfing his exhausted body in a deathly embrace, coating his lungs with soft powder. He let himself fall onto his bed, wondering through blurry eyes as the dust the rose up then drifted back down. A moment later and he was in blessed sleep.

* * *

Severus sat stiffly in a high-backed chair. It was Christmas Eve and many pureblood families were over. The Malfoys were two hours late, if they were coming at all. He found himself wishing to just hide in the darkness of his room, to lick his aching wounds, rest his body. 

"Severus," His father was glaring at him, eyes cold. "We have invited a new family over, and I want you to make a good impression on their two sons. Be a proper host. Take them outside to the Dueling Arena. I don't care what you do. Just take all of your friends and go. Do not come back until I have said you are allowed."

He nodded, standing nervously. A group of boys, mostly older than himself, were crowded around a small box. They would, all at once, let loose howls of laughter as Crabbe, a particularly large and stupid brute, poked at something in the box. Every once in a while a high pitched, terrified squeak would originate from the box. He approached nervously, trying to see in the box. Barty Crouch, Jr, a First Year Slytherin who had come with a friend, nudged Crabbe's ribs, nodding towards him.

A tall, strawberry-blond haired boy with blue—nearing purple—eyes stepped forward, slim body illuminated prettily in the cool lighting. Evan Rosier, he mused to himself, a Seventh Year Slytherin. He had known long ago that Evan's body rivaled Lucius', but the snowy-haired Malfoy was kind and protected him. He wished he was looking at those silver eyes now no matter how enchanting the blue in front of him were.

"Severus," Evan's lip curled up in a cruel smirk. Not a good sign. "We were just wondering when you'd make an appearance. Our current subject is kind of boring."

Severus licked his dry lips, peeking secretly into the box. A young, silky, seal-point Siamese rat was huddled in a corner, black eyes darting anxiously around, whiskers quivering. Righteous anger welled up in his chest, but there was nothing he could do. Not while eyes were on him, at least.

"My father says we're to go outside," he lifted his chin, feeling especially small under the glare of all the older, bigger boys. "And we can't come back in until they say so."

"Business for the Dark Lord?" one boy asked.

"If so, I don't see why I'm not included..." Evan scowled at the carpet.

"If we go, do we have to take the brother of that goody-two-shoes Gryffindor?" Goyle asked.

Severus looked up. That must be the sons of the new family. Apparently one was a Gryffindor. That meant that they might recognize him. He certainly hoped not, though.

"Oi, runt! Regulus!" Evan called out, turning to the couch where a previously unnoticed, dark-haired boy sat staring into space.

"What?" the boy asked stiffly.

Severus glanced back at Evan then strode forward, coming to stop in front of the boy Evan had called Regulus. The name stirred something within his memory, but he couldn't quite place it. The face, as well, was eerily familiar. Dark hair and cool eyes paired with a long, elegant body. Still, he had never seen this boy. It was obvious he was still too young to attend Hogwarts.

"Regulus, right?" Severus asked, continuing before the boy could answer. "My name's Severus Snape. My father is hosting this gathering. At the moment, however, we've all been kicked outside. If you would follow me, that would be good."

Regulus' eyes searched the room. "I was looking for my brother, but I couldn't find him. Is he outside?"

"He might be," Severus shrugged. "I haven't seen anyone else our age around. Assuming he is our age?"

"He's a Second Year at Hogwarts," Regulus said, frowning and looking at the ground. "I wanted to go outside and look, but I didn't know if I was allowed."

"Well, we have to go now," Severus shrugged. "We might see your brother."

Severus stalked over to the group of boys. They were laughing and chattering over the terrified rat again. When Regulus had joined their ranks, he ushered them towards the door leading outside, saying he had to tell his father they were going. It was the truth, really, but there was no reason he couldn't have done it before they left.

He suffered his father's icy glare, then dashed over. As he passed the box with the rat in it, he flung a hand out. It went spinning, a terrified squeak coming from within, before landing on its side, a small nose peeking out. He smirked and made his way easily out the door to where the other boys were waiting, many staring off somewhere into the trees towards the tiny lake. A group of girls, the daughters of his father's friends, were sitting at its edge, toes dipped in the frigid water.

"I say we go visit _them_," Evan grinned.

Severus cringed at that thought. His father would beat him half to death if he allowed such an 'improper' thing to happen. Let them do such things on their own time, their own property, but there was no way his father was going to take well to the idea of falling from the grace of their parents. As much as the idea pained him, he was going to have to mention what his father had suggested. They didn't have to know it was a suggestion.

"My father said to take you all to the Dueling Arena," he said, voice low and cool to mask his nervousness.

"I suppose I have no complaints about that," Evan said, studying him a moment. "You will, of course, be kind enough to help us test some spells, won't you, Severus? Your daddy dearest surely wouldn't be happy to hear what a _dreadful_ time we've had."

Clenching his jaw, Severus led the way to the Dueling Arena. It was a specially marked off area with powerful wards around it to prevent anyone from realizing magic was being performed in it. It only worked about four hours a day in all and could only operate on a fairly small space, but it was enough to train an underage wizard without anyone else knowing it.

They soon arrived at the Arena. The floor was made of an easily-cleaned grey stone with thick pillars of the same material at each corner holding up a shimmering silver roof. The boys clambered behind him to the middle of the Arena, watching as he concentrated. He let a whisper of magic waft out to touch the barriers. Thin black walls shot from one pillar to another as they recognized his magical identity.

Regulus, standing slightly to the side of him, separated from the crowd of boys, inhaled sharply. It truly was an amazing sight, he supposed. The walls, though darker than dark, let off a radiance of light bright enough to duel with ease. The settings were changeable, of course, but he had a much higher chance of defense if he was able to see his opponents.

"This should have been mine," Evan muttered to someone standing beside him. "We were supposed to inherit it, but the names must have gotten mixed up. The Snapes had nothing before they got this mansion. They still don't have much."

Severus pretended to not have heard. It was common knowledge that the Snapes were far from well off. The house and all the possessions that came with it were forbidden to be sold, and charmed to that effect, as well.

He heard the spell before he saw or felt it. It collided against his spine with a sharp crack, and for a moment he thought maybe it had broken something. That theory, however, did not hold up with the feeling in his bones. Icy coldness spread from the inside of his bones to the out, starting from his spine and traveling up and down with lightning speed. He felt as if the flesh around his bones was freezing, turning to ice.

Then came the heat. It seared over the frost, a sudden, unexpected change. It was worse than the ice, but so very similar. How was it that both fire and ice burned? This time, however, it felt like his flesh was being branded from the inside, burning, trying to curl away from the bone. He refused to make a noise, refused to give the other boys the satisfaction...

And then the curse was lifted. He immediately grabbed at the wand in his robe pocket only to find nothing there. His head snapped up to see Evan, one wand gripped in his right hand and another, his, dangling from the fingers of his left. He hissed and made a lunge, but the bigger boy snatched it away at the last second.

"Now now, Severus," Evan smiled grimly. "You wouldn't want to spoil the fun, would you? You wouldn't want to anger daddy."

"Give me my wand," he scowled, holding himself up as straight as he could despite the tingling that lingered in his bones.

"Later," Evan shrugged, tossing it into the crowd of boys, grinning as Crabbe caught it. "I want to practice first. Right, guys?"

There was a rumble of agreement from behind him. Regulus, now slightly behind the crowd, looked slightly confused and quite terrified. He couldn't see the look on the boy's face as someone threw another curse at him.

He dropped down to the floor like a bird shot from its perch. For a moment he thought, actually thought, that the spell was just meant to hold him down. It wasn't a foreign concept to him, but he should have known that the boys weren't as nice as that. It became very apparent as an invisible weight began pressing down upon him, crushing him to the ground. It felt as if the world was caving in, dropping onto his body like heavy stones. His ribs ached with the pressure, his breath choking in his throat. The boy laughed uproariously.

Someone swore loudly and then the weight disappeared. Severus shot up immediately in time to see Evan glaring at a nervous Regulus. The older Slytherin's arm was bleeding from a small cut near his elbow.

"You shouldn't have done that!" Evan pointed his wand at Regulus.

Severus cursed to himself. It was obvious the boy had done something to distract Evan and break the curse. A big mistake, really. Regulus was too young to be able to properly defend himself from Evan. It was amazing that someone like Evan, so pretty and innocent looking with his hair and eyes, could be so lethal. It was a lesson that Regulus would do well to learn. Of course, if anything happened to the boy under his watch, his father would paint the walls with his blood. Literally. He had done it once before, and it certainly wasn't a pleasant experience.

"What, Evan," Severus spoke as loudly as he could. "Did the little child hurt you?" He almost faltered as those eyes, deep purple in their anger, turned to him. Almost. "Drew blood, even. I had thought you were stronger than that, really. And now... Now you must defend your name against an insignificant little boy? Has it been so beaten down?"

"Shut up," Evan growled, eyes narrowed.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that to attack in anger is to attack in shame?" Severus asked innocently, the familiar phrase stinging even himself. "Or perhaps you're far too shamed already to care? I wonder what the Dark Lord would think."

The other boys looked nervously between themselves. He took the chance their unease gave him. He strode over to Regulus, took the boy by the arm, and led him over to the wall. A swift thought and a large square of black wall disappeared, cool night air rushing in. They burst outside and walked quickly towards the manor again. The boys would soon come back to themselves and be out for his blood.

"Regulus!" A loud, horribly familiar voice spoke out of the shadows. The hated face of Sirius Black followed suit, and Severus finally realized why the boy's face had looked so familiar.

"Sirius!" Regulus cried out, obviously relieved.

"Regulus, get over here," Sirius' eyes were now turned to Severus. "What are you doing with my brother? I won't have you blackening his mind with your greasy filth." Regulus stopped nervously between the two boys, as if unsure of where to go.

"I," Severus growled. "Have been saving your idiot of a brother from certain pain."

"Don't you slander my brother!" Sirius stepped menacingly forward. "You have no right to it. All you care about is your own neck, and you'll do anything to save it. I won't have you teaching him to be a selfish prick with no thought for others!"

"Instead of lecturing me on my ways," Severus clenched his teeth, eyes narrowing. "Perhaps you should be teaching your brother to adopt some of them. That sometimes the fight is futile for others and to save one's own neck is the wisest choice. Or at least teach him not to attack those above him, as he has done to one Evan Rosier. At this rate, _he's_ going to end up an idiotic Gryffindor, as well."

"Evan Rosier?" Sirius had gone a bit pale at the name, turning to face his brother. "You didn't. Tell me you didn't."

"Well, yes," Regulus scowled and kicked at the ground. "But he was-"

"_Re_gulus!" Sirius looked horrified. "I thought I had taught you better! Evan Rosier, for Merlin's sake! The boy could tear you limb from limb if he wanted to!"

"And it seems he plans on it, as well," Severus observed, watching the group of boys sprinting towards them. "Oh, don't worry," he continued acidly at Sirius' wide eyed stare. "I doubt he's actually coming to hurt your brother. In fact, I'm sure of it. He wouldn't lower himself to attack a little boy when he has larger game to hunt. Perhaps you two should leave." He didn't wish one of his worst enemies to see the mangling of his body.

"Now look what you've done!" Sirius scowled at his brother.

"You don't need to lecture me, you know!" Regulus stood up straighter, jutting his chin out defiantly. "I know full well what I've done. I'm old enough to take care of myself!"

"You," Sirius glared. "Are only nine years old. You run screaming from moths."

"I thought it was a bat!" Regulus defended angrily. "It was very big, and you had no right to laugh at me because you were just as frightened as I was!"

Their quarrel brought back old but clear memories from his own youth. He could remember a smiling face, a warm voice, gentle hands. He had loved to look up into the sparkling blue eyes, the eyes that so resembled his mother's own. Indeed, the face had seemed to inherit the pretty features of his mother but the masculinity of his father.

"_Watch him carefully, now." His mother's voice, younger and more alive than it had been in years._

"_Don't worry, I won't ever let him get hurt," the blue eyes kind, arms around Severus protectively. "Not ever. I promise."_

He could still remember how loyally that promise had been kept.

"_Ew, look!" a young girl's voice. "Look at the ugly little baby."_

"_Shut up, he's not ugly," the blue eyes, normally warm, had grown cold. "He doesn't look like a troll, like you. Is that a bird I see peeking out of the nest you call hair?"_

"_Mommy!" the girl's voice faded as she ran, sobbing, to her mother._

"_Don't listen to her," His voice was calm and kind again. "They don't know you. They can't see that you're so much better than them, inside and out, little brother."_

If only his brother could see him now. Would he be very ashamed at how horrible he had become?

"Well, I suppose you mean to stay, then," Severus said sarcastically, breaking the brothers from their bickering, his mind from its painful thoughts.

"Shit," Sirius cursed, pulling Regulus behind him. The protectiveness was painful.

"Think you could get away, did you, Severus?" Evan Rosier called, stopping a mere few inches away.

"I made no move to 'get away', as you call it," he looked up icily into the purple eyes. They were so close that Evan's breath was hot against his cheek, and it was nowhere near as pleasant as Lucius'. "I was just walking back. I thought that you would be above petty fighting."

"Stop trying to make excuses," Evan shoved him back hard, and it was clear the thinly veiled insult had hit him. "You're going to regret defending the little runt."

"Will he, now?" A cool, dangerous voice asked.

"Lucius," Severus looked up in surprise from where he was kneeling. "I... Thought you weren't going to come."

"My father had ministry business," Lucius said, eyes turning idly to Evan again. "Surely you were just jesting, Rosier? You wouldn't dare attack someone, especially a fellow Slytherin. I'm sure my father would disapprove."

"I was just joking," Evan scowled, looking away.

"Maybe you should go inside," Lucius said, an order clear through the suggestion. "Severus' father sent me to tell you all that you're allowed back inside. The party is almost over."

"Come on, guys," Evan grunted, turning and trudging back towards the manor.

"Get up, Severus," Lucius said, then turned to Sirius, who was watching suspiciously. His eyes turned to the boy peeking out from behind the Gryffindor. "Regulus, is it? I hope to see you sorted into Slytherin when you arrive. For now, however, I suggest you and your brother make you way back to the Manor."

Sirius glared and tugged Regulus' arm. Severus watched wistfully as the two brothers walked away. His mind replaced them with two different boys, a pair of brothers that never aged so far together.

"It would not do to provoke Evan Rosier again, Severus," Lucius spoke quietly. "You're lucky that he won't be at Hogwarts next year. You'll have trouble enough watching your back the rest of this year. Come on, let's go inside. It's rather cold out here."

Severus followed beside as they made their way to the manor. He wondered if his brother and Lucius would have gotten along. Would he have approved of his little brother's lifestyle? Would he have even still cared about an annoying little brat?

Severus looked up towards a hill on their land. A tall gravestone shone bright like bone in the moonlight. The sight, depressing as it was, assured him that, yes, his brother would always love and protect him. He would never have tired of it, and for that Severus was thankful. He would do his best to never let his brother down. He would always remember the kind blue eyes, the gentle hands, the warm voice, the protection and love that had been cast over him for the beginning years of his life.

* * *

Your kindness for weakness I never mistook,  
I worried you often yet you understood,  
That life is so fleeting,  
These troubles won't last,  
Forever,  
Inspired me truly you did from the start,  
To not be afraid and to follow my heart,  
There's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart,  
Forever.  
-Dropkick Murphys "Forever"

* * *

A/N: Review please! Also, if you would like to see an extra scene, please refer to my author's note waaay up above, the part that's all bold and italic and attention-drawing. Thanks! 

**Review Responses**

Morena Evensong: I'm glad you like my fic! I, myself, can't imagine Severus just lying down against bullies. I really do think that getting in trouble would be one of the main reasons the Marauders didn't end up at the bottom of a river in the books. :P I like Snape/Lupin a lot as well, but I can never seem to find one that caters to my exact tastes. So I made one that did! Or, well, it will... I, also, get kinda mad at Lupin for not standing up to Sirius and James. But really, they're his friends, and he's a werewolf and probably afraid that no one would want to be around a creature like him, although they don't find out about him until 5th year in canon... They all do end up very good friends though, even in my story. As for the teachers... Well, originally, I wasn't really going to put much about that type of thing, mostly just main happenings and such, whatwith me basically already knowing what happens in my HP world, but now I feel like I'd be selling my readers cheap! So thank you for opening my eyes. XD And please, leave more long reviews, I love them!

shewhodares: Yes, I wanted to give him a hug, too, hehe. I am so, so mean to the characters I like. Of course, you beta'd this new chapter, so you knew what other meanness I did to poor wittle Sevvie. You know my cruelties before everyone else! Maybe you could warn me if I cross a line and people will be coming to murder me in my sleep? XD

hipa: Yes, it was incredibly mean, but, you know, tough love. Or something. Heh heh. It will get better though, eventually, yes. And he _does_ have someone to care for him. Or did. But kinda does. Lucius and all... He'll be happy someday, I promise!

yammi: Thanks for the review! Yeah, I'm a bit mean to little Sevvie. If you keep reading, though, you'll see he (eventually) gets to be happy!


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